So I’ve had this page open for about seven hours or so, with the plan of writing some stuff about myself, but when faced with the actual action, I don’t really know of how to put things.
After yesterday’s (7/21/17) stream I felt really weird about quite a few things and I’d like to express some of that and more in the following blog post. I’ve wanted to write one of these bad boys for a while now, and was originally planning for it to happen after the marathon but this seems like a good a time as any to do it, so I’m doing it now.
My stream always has, and hopefully always will be a place for nothing serious, and no drama. I’ve always used my stream as an escape from that stuff. I don’t have any malicious intent, never have, that’s just not me. I don’t go out of my way to insult people in ways that I know, factually, will cause unironic distress, and I have no reason to. It’s counter-productive entirely and that’s just that. People have told me I’ve crossed lines before, and I’ve held back, and people have told me things I cannot make fun of, and I’ve held back, because I respect people’s boundaries. However, I have a hard time seeing lines where they aren’t explicitly foretold.
Yesterday was blown out of proportion tremendously. As mentioned, my stream is not a place where completely serious discussion occurs. Everything should be taken with a grain of salt, if you will. I don’t even really know what that means, but I hear people say it often and it sounds apt, so I’ll stick with it. The fact that someone came to my stream, during a bantfest, and was genuinely offended is baffling to me, straight up. Do I feel bad for offending them? Sure, of course. Do I apologize for saying what I said? No, not really. I was joking, and there was no malice behind my words, so I do not feel the need to apologize for them. It’s unfortunate that they were taken the wrong way, and for that, I will be at the forefront of clarification, but I’m not going to pretend to be sorry for something I’m not. If someone is offended, or “disappointed” in me acting silly on stream at the expense of others when there haven’t been clear and distinct lines set, then that is their problem. I do not want to think heavily about people’s feelings and worry about hurting people with every word I say, and I do not want to speculate how people will perceive any word I say with every thing I say. That’s not fun, that’s not escapism, that’s not what my stream is about.
As far as the hat thing goes, that was purely comedy and if anyone took that seriously then to clarify: I don’t care or mind about the material at all, and I appreciate the gesture completely.
As far as friendships go, with this topic, it is still confusing. I don’t really feel any emotional connections toward anybody in any sense outside of “This person behaves in ways that are similar to me, so I will associate with them more often”. I don’t really trust anyone, and I never have. I doubt I ever will, either. If I can be trustworthy to another person, then I will try my best to be there if required, but I’ve never really felt any sort of real connection with anyone. Now, people assumed I knew what a friend was but just didn’t know how to describe it or whatever, but let me put it this way. I view people on a scale of how much I trust them. Whether that be trusting their judgement, trusting them to hold a secret, trusting them on a certain topic or subject, etc. As far as over all levels of trust go, I would say if we add up all possible criteria, then I would say my most trusted person would probably be around 20% of over all trust. Even my “best friend”/s are people I don’t feel connected with enough to be able to tell even the most minor of details about my inner thought process. I mostly keep things surface level, and try to be a helping aspect of their situations. For me to confide genuinely into someone it requires a lot of reasoning as to why it is beneficial. I’ve done this one time that I can remember, and I did it only a few weeks ago. This isn’t supposed to be insulting, or demeaning, or simplifying relationships, this is just how I feel about people. It’s probably my autism or just general retardation, but that’s just how I am expressing it the best I can. To put it simply: It’s a lot easier for me to do this blog post than to confide in a singular person, regardless of who they are.
Also, the armchair psychology in the chatroom was honestly annoying. There’s no “cyberd3mun never admitz being rong”. I literally said multiple dozen times that I was wrong during the stream, however the point of contention was that I was baffled it was an issue in the first place. The constant pressure to a point that didn’t exist was also baffling, and it is partly my fault for being unable to express myself in ways that make sense, because I try not to think about them and practice these things. I have some explanations that I’ve practiced and prepared, but this was not one of those instances.
I always imagined myself dead by this point in time, and have been essentially winging it for the last five or so years of my life. I don’t have social skills and avoided people my entire life. This much is obvious. I don’t know how to change that other than very minor advancements and it hasn’t had much, if any, palpable progress.
I don’t have any identity that I cling to other than “Cyberdemon531”, and I don’t really identify with that as much as I used to. A way to describe it is that I feel that there are multiple different personalities that I can express, different sets of ways to behave, and each of them intermix with each other constantly. Sometimes I want to be super nice and supportive, sometimes I want to be really edgy and epic, sometimes I want to act really aggressive and controlling, and sometimes I want to act submissive and tolerant. These drastic differences of personality weigh in and out, but often aren’t fully expressed in the “Cyberdemon531” identity, as I feel that they are inappropriate in the context of the stream, videos, etc. Slowly, over time, my alternate ways of behaving and thinking have gained more prevalence in my thought process, and have thus allowed themselves to be expressed more thoroughly in my main identity, because it’s the one that most closely resembles itself to my core values and beliefs. This might be really confusing or sound retarded, but what I’m essentially saying is that the way I act or behave, generally speaking, is filtered to an extent, or curated into a comfortable to express format. This is why I enjoy the lack of serious tone that my stream generally puts on, because it makes this process extremely comfortable and easy to deal with, and I’m sure other people probably feel the same way, and it’s a win-win, right?
I will say this much, I spend a lot of time thinking, and building and forming opinions and thoughts that have absolutely no mention or expression on stream or to anyone at all as I feel they are generally inappropriate for the environment. If they do get expressed, in any way, they are usually presented as halfjoke, or meme, or something similar that is more easily digestible and more comfortable to deal with.
While I’m here, I might as well elaborate on one of these things. That’s the subject of me being trans. Most people upon discussing this topic don’t understand it, or think it’s a meme, or what have you. However, I will clarify things the best I can, and would appreciate any and/or all future thoughts or decisions to base themselves on the following. Transgenderism and gender identity are a very deep subject, and it’s very, very difficult to understand even the smallest amount of detail if you have no interest in the subject to begin with. For 99% of people, they don’t know and they don’t care. That’s completely fine. However I am not one of those people. People often say that trans people are “confused about their gender”, as if they’re walking on a line back and forth unable to make up their minds. Sometimes this is the case, however for me, this is not. My ideal sense of self is a female, plain and simple. The only problem with that, is that I was born as a male. Fortunately, gender is mostly a socialized construct and it is possible to transition from one, forced gender, to another if you so choose. However, this takes a lot of time, effort, and clarity of mind to perform, and there are a lot of nuances to this undertaking.
The first thing to this subject to take into account is the separation of gender and sex. Gender is a sense of self, identity, expression, personality, etc. Sex is biology, organs, materials that make up a human. These two things are not the same. They may bear the same distinctions in many contexts, but they are different. One makes the brain work, the other is how the brain works, essentially. Again, for 99% of people, these are precisely in line with one another and are not an issue whatsoever. However, for the other 1%, the problem lies with their sense of self, separating from what they feel and what they are. Some call this a mental illness or disorder, and you can argue that that is correct. You can argue that, because it is correct. Someone’s sense of self is not in line with what it should be in line with. Our society has evolved in a gender segregated form, and their are two, distinct, genders. Language evolved around that concept, as did many other things. It is acceptable to call something like this a mental illness, completely, because it is one. However, just because it is an illness, or disorder, does not mean it holds no ground. For the sake of sociology, or communication, there is no reason not to believe someone feels that they are a female, in the same way that there is no reason to believe that someone who is depressed isn’t depressed. The one thing that makes trans stuff more distinct is that it is more outward than inward generally speaking. Most people who are depressed, for example, are very inward about it, and it isn’t obvious or on the outside of their sense of self, at least in my experience. However, with transgenderism, it’s an outward attempt to behave, present, and be the opposite gender to their sex. Because of this, people can see it, and thus it becomes a more divisive issue. A lot of trans people are not fully transitioned because they don’t have the time, resources, or can put in the immense effort to do so, on top of the fact that it is just a generally long and arduous process as it is.
For me personally, I have not had the motivation or resources required to do anything about this until recently, which, if you may have noticed, seems to have sped up the process a bit when compared to years prior. I’ve felt this way since I was young, and probably reached the conclusion that I should do something about it only a few years ago. However, generally being unable to do anything about it, I just let it sit and slowly manifest over time. Also, combined with the fact that I didn’t think I would be alive this far into my life, I had no real reason to worry about it. Given the opportunity that I have been presented with, I want to make the, finally possible, steps toward my ideal end goal, and get as close as I possibly can to feeling the way I want to feel. Step 1 for me has been dress more feminine, and lose weight. This, I feel, has gone pretty well over the last 6-12 months, and with this positive start, and reasonable ability to proceed, step 2 would involve beginning hormone replacement therapy. I’ve thought about this for many, many years, and have concluded that it is something I desire, and the steps required in order to attain this next step are currently being attempted, and hopefully can be underway soon enough. There’s no real way to tell what will happen when this step begins, but I can assure you that I will not become an entirely different person or act like a maniac like the common perception seems to be. This is what I want, what I feel is right, and I’ve given it more than enough thought. My original plan was to wait until it’s already underway, and announce it after the fact, but I feel motivated to do so while I’m already doing this epic blog post.
For further clarification: I don’t push people to identify me in speech in any particular way because I feel that I haven’t “done enough” to warrant any special change or anything. However, for all intents and purposes, I would much rather be referred to in the female tense and if you have any respect for this post or myself, I’d like it if you could attempt to do so.
This hasn’t been the best explanation of things, and I’m sure I could do better, and will probably issue some sort of amendment to many things written here in the future, but this is the best I’ve got for now. I meant to write this earlier in the day to let anxiety pass over sooner and be good to go for Sunday’s stream, but I kind of procrastinated it quite a bit. Along with feeling no genuine connections, I feel extremely anxious about telling people anything at all, and when I generally do so, I feel very upset for a while afterward, and takes a while to cool down. I’ll try to stream tomorrow (7/23/17) if I feel up to it, but I’m making no promises as of this writing. You can perhaps say that this series of events has pushed me into a depressive spyro, so I want to wait for that to mitigate its effects until I stream again.
Feel free to discuss any of the contents in this blog post, but I will probably not respond with much of anything if you ask me about it until I stream next, and feel promptly ready to do so. I hope everything can return to normal when this has passed. Bye-bye 🙂